Dear Millie…..

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This is the start of the new end, we all live life’s, but what life’s?

Well, this is a great start to the day. I woke up late, had no time for a shower and no time to do my make-up. Oh, God and guess what’s even worse, my bus still hasn’t turned up, my lecture is at 10 am and it’s already 9:45 am; it would take me 30 minutes to get to my university. ARGH!!

Well, eventually this damn bus turned up. I will never understand why these buses have timetables but are never on time anyways, the bus drivers obviously don’t care either (I guess they are still getting paid). Ohh I forgot, have I introduced myself yet? No? I’m sorry, at least I know how to apologies unlike these bus drivers. Well I’m Melinda, such an ugly name I know, just call me Millie. My parents must have been stoned giving me such an old-school name. 

So, I ended up being late to a lecture great, I had to walk in from the front door, well that’s pretty much the only door that can get you into the lecture theatre; I swear the university laid out the lecture theatre in such a way that you would feel humiliated to even walk in late. But I did anyways and everyone just turned their head in synchronisation at me as if I was some sort of alien, well I wasn’t wearing any make-up so I did feel like one. I ended up sitting next to this strange girl called Lilli, a sweet name right, well she didn’t look like a Lilli at all; she was wearing trashy grey jogging bottoms and a ripped black baggy top, with beautiful dark black hair but un-brushed. To be honest, I don’t remember seeing her in any of my lectures before, well I didn’t care anyways. I mean there are people who never turn up and you only see them during exam period in those dark exam halls with no sunlight.

She passed me the register and introduced herself saying, “Hey I’m Lilli, you are very beautiful.” I honestly did not know what to reply to the beautiful part, I mean I haven’t had a shower, my hair looks oily and greasy, I’m not wearing make-up, girl who you are calling beautiful. For a split-second I thought she might have tried flirting with me. Well after all that split thinking in my head I replied, “Hey, thanks I really like your dark black hair its beautiful, oh and I’m Millie.” After the lecture finished, I stood up and she was right in front of me blocking my way. She looked at me and asked smilingly, “Hey, have you got lectures next?”, “No, you”, “Oh cool, well can I hang with you?” She asked me with that same smile. I said, “Sure, if you want to.” So, me and my new friend (I guess) went to a common room where everyone goes to when they don’t want to work and rather talk for hours. You know what people say, don’t judge a book by its cover? Well like everyone else says, yhh yhh they are right. Lilli was genuine person; she was nice and extremely cool. She explained how she has travelled half of the world and how she lived at a boarding school all her life.

We talked for hours, you know when you talk to people and you just “click”, well that was me and Lilli. Well we obviously ended up missing the rest of our lectures, but we just did not care. We decided to get the bus home together as it was already late. My stop was coming and she looked at me with such a nervous face, “I know we just met, but do you want to go out tonight and grab a few drinks with me?”, “Urm, I’m not sure, I have a lot of work to do”, “Ahh come on, I mean I’ll pay for your drinks too.” she replied with an eye blink. I mean come on guys, how could you turn down free drinks. “Mmmmm, okay than, I’ll give you my number text me the time and place and I be there.” She looked so happy, like a child opening a Christmas present.

Later, in the evening, Lilli sent me a text of the place and time, and you would not believe where she was taking me “Fusion”, one of the hottest clubs in the city, getting into such clubs you will need money and deep connections. I could not believe it, I had to read the text 8 times to make sure is was the same address. I mean what do I wear? My wardrobe was literally on the floor. I picked a dress from the pile of mess on the floor; it was black sexy, yet elegant, enough to show off some curves but also not to desperate looking. I ended up wearing the dress with some nice silver jewellery and some silver pointed stilettos. I was ready to go. I’ve learned my lesson with these busses, so I ended up taking a taxi instead.

When I got to Fusion, Lilli was ready and waiting outside and, Jesus was she looking hot, I mean I could not believe my own eyes, I could not recognise her from how she looked this morning to now. She waved and said, “Hey, you alright?’, “Yhh, I’m all good thanks” I replied, still amazed by her beauty. As Lilli promised she bought me all my drinks that night. We laughed and talked all night. “Did you know, that my parents pay for all my expenses?” she said (she was tipsy by now, well we both where). I mean, she didn’t have to tell me I could just see by looking at her. “Ohh really?” I replied. “Yhh, they send me to a boarding school, because they are too busy to have a child. Well I was pretty much an accident, they even told me that, they obviously said it in such a way that they meant it as a joke. They try to solve everything with money, if my grades are falling, they will cut down on my allowance, and if I do well they would increase it. You know I never experienced a family dinner. I barely ever made friends and when I did, most of them where after my money, or ended being awful people.” she said with a teary voice. I could feel the pain and agony in her voice. You could see the pain she had been through all these years. I did not know, how to reply. We were sitting in silence for a while. “I’m sorry we came to have fun and here I am pouring out my heart to you”, “No, it’s okay, don’t worry I would love to listen to your problems.”, “No, it’s fine let’s dance.” she said, pulling my hand towards the dance floor.

I haven’t had such a great time in so long, and the club definitely lived up to its rumours. I turned to thank her, but when I turned she was not there. I did not realise that she left. I spend the next 30 minutes searching for her, I even asked the bartenders, but no one has seen Lilli; I even texted her, but she had not replied. I decided to go out of the club and to call her again; I walked towards the back and there was an ally way leading to a park. I saw some people standing there. There was this tall old man, he was holding her phone. I could tell it was hers from a mile away, because it was pink with the letter M at the back of the case. I walked passed the man holding Lilli’s phone into the darkness, there were no street lights, just a long path, that seemed unending. I finally saw the isolated park. She was sitting there with a cigarette in her hands. “Lilli!” I called out. She turned and looked at me with a blank expression. “Lilli? What are you doing here? I was looking for you everywhere.” She looked at me with such a blank expression. “I’m smoking.” She replied simply. “Why did you not tell me?”, “You looked happy.” She said with such blanc expression. As if she had no emotions; as if her soul was sucked out.

“Have you ever felt so empty, when you are not motivated to move or to even life?” she said with such dark tone in her voice. “No, I don’t think I have; why?” I replied. “We all die, eventually some earlier than others. Would you believe me, if I told you that I murdered someone? And that I got away with it?” She said with such a serious expression. I was so confused; I think she knew from the expression on my face. I mean after this night, I just did not understand, what to believe anymore. “I killed someone, and now I’m here.” she said with a low tone in her voice. “This world is a sad world, I just needed to end it.” Now at this stage I started to get scared and was thinking of ways to get out of this situation. “I need to go; I have lectures tomorrow.” I said. When I started to turn around the old man I saw before holding Lilli’s phone is now in front of me. I was confused and I turned to Lilli and she was just watching this whole scene with no expressions on her face as if she had experienced this before. I was trembling with fear, I was praying to God; I’ve never prayed before but I was just thinking, God if you truly exist help me now. She was looking straight through my eyes, she could see the fear in me, she could see my shaking legs my hand in a fist ready for anything, but she didn’t act at all.

I turned back to the old man, and I tried to doge him and walk past him as if I was not afraid at this moment, and he grabbed my two hands and I was screaming and yelling saying, “Let me go, let me go, let go of my dam hands!” Then I just felt a stab in my neck, a cold needle going through my skin, a liquid being realised into my system, my eyes were closing and my body could no longer support itself, and there I just collapsed.

My body is in pain, so much pain, pain is literally all I could feel. I was awake, but I was afraid to open my eyes, I could feel the cold floor as my skin was pressing against it, it felt hard like a rock, my hands and legs were tight together. I eventually opened my eyes and it was dark, was only a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. I could hear something opening, it was a eak eak sound; it was Lilli walking through a door, she looked at me and said, “Are you awake?” I was so angry; I did not reply. “You going to talk eventually”, she said, and so she left the room again. After sometime, she came, she looked at me and said, “Is there anything you want to eat or say, before I kill you?”, I looked at her, not believing what I have just heard, “You going to kill me?”, “Yes, I did mention it vaguely before.”, “Yes, but I did not believe you would have.”, “Well, I have, many times.”, “Why, why me, why do you want to kill me, what did I ever do to you?”, “Nothing, I’m just bored.”, “Who kills someone when they are bored?”, “Me apparently.” Lili smilingly said.

I saw her walk towards a tool kit, she grabbed a knife and pulled it out. God, I didn’t know what to expect now. I was crying, my eyes were pouring at this stage. “You going to feel the pain, when the knife pierces through you skin.” Lilli said. “No, please don’t, please no don’t”, I cry out to Lilli. I felt it all the knife stabbing through my flesh, the blood, pouring out, I could see, I could feel. She was holding me and crying saying, “I’m sorry, but this is me, I needed help, I had help, but I could not stop.” I could feel the cold tears fall on my shoulder.

I woke up, I looked up; was I dreaming? I turned to my side, and there she was, my mum crying talking to man in a white coat. Where am I? My mum turned and came running towards my bed, with tears flowing out of her eyes, she cried saying, “Baby, it’s okay, you’re fine, you’re fine. I’m here.” Well I guess it wasn’t a dream after all. The Police came eventually asking me a series of question to find the person who did this to me; apparently a “female” made an anonymise call saying, “There is a body here, hurry, it looks like someone stabbed her”. I told the police everything I that had happened to me, and that it was Lilli. They said there was never a girl called Lilli at my university and that no one had seen her. It didn’t surprise me at all, I mean after everything that has happened. 

The Police left my ward, and said they would come back to keep me updated; they left their information details, saying that if I remembered anything to let them know. I was tired, that I started to fall asleep; a man came into my room, with roses, I could see him with my partially closed eyes. As he left I got up and took the bouquet of roses; there was a letter inside, which read:

Dear Millie,

I’m sorry, I did not mean to harm you, but that’s who I am, I need help, I got help, yet I feel so empty. This urge inside me just won’t stop. I feel empty, I want to feel, feel emotions, understand them. I just want to be normal. It’s as if someone takes control over me, and I’m no longer myself, I can’t control it. I tried to be normal, but I just can’t have no one to help or support me. I know that it’s not an excuse for what I did to you, but please know Millie, I’m sorry for everything.

From
L xxx

 

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